Juxtaposition of both an Incredibly Sad Reality AND the Excitement of Hard Earned Seeds about to Flourish!
Where We Are: Self & Society
Friday, Dec 9th 2:53pm
Just reminded that Authenticity is Our SuperPower. Yes it is and so here I go!!
3:01pm
Just spoke with Rock Samborn (VP of Human Affairs at Brian’s employer.) I guess at this point, being 2 days in the ICU, I should have thought about calling his employer.
“Oh! Oh my gosh, im so sorry to hear that. Well please keep me updated and don’t hesitate to reach out if I can help out in any way.”
“GREAT, there actually is something. I am embarrassed to say I’ve yet to get the bloodwork & do the other checkboxes for keeping our status in the 1000+ range that allows us to pay less insurance and I will get it done in the hospital tomorrow if you can make that happen.”
“Ohhh, yeah, hmmm….i don’t think we can do that”. He replied.
My face drops on the other side of the line. Of course he can do that, he’s done it before. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy – tip tap of his computer screen and it could probably be done.
and yet – it feels like the last stone. I say some kind of goodbye and hang up.
WHY DO PEOPLE SPEAK THOSE WORDS OUT OF THEIR MOUTH?
Everyone is to blame at some point or another – and JUST STOP. Don’t ask how you can help just to make yourself feel better. Especially if you know you are the type that is not going to DO JACK SHIT!!
I am truly astonished by the shear number of times this occurs. I can list a diatribe of times off the cuff; a) the retired family law lawyer and influential political leader in the community came to talk/ask me about supporting some issue. Never heard from again. b) signing up for & helping with logistics for a astrology/spiritual retreat…and then was texted and asked NOT to attend, c) the ‘new friend’ who cried while listening to the most recent part of our story wondering how family & friends could so easily abandoned us in our darkest time – and then unfriended me on Facebook, d) last Nov fiasco in Ocean City Cannabis Community, e) the astrologer I prepaid because he said he had no money for dinner yet can’t seem to respond in crisis,
And the biggest kick in the face – National Mental Health Day, World Mental Health Day, March Mental Health Month, Suicide Awareness Day, etc.
Oh please, have these things actually ever made one iota of difference? NO! Because the $$$$ is spent on nice lunches and ad campaigns. As a person who has significant mental health challenges, on a daily, debilitating level I have never once had any of all the “Mental Health Day” shit mean anything on the individual level.
Society tells people “don’t kill yourself” and then gives little to no resources on how to live. Beyond of course the essential basics. It is stunning how many videos there are out on YouTube of Hikkomori. We were today years old when we learned this word for ‘hermits’ ‘shut-ins’ human beings living isolated and in deep pain.
How DARE you tell me ‘you care’, ‘you are worried’, ‘you are concerned’. We have learned that those words mean nothing. You can be concerned about the war in Ukraine, the children in Sri Lanka, the hungry in Ethiopia, Ted Cruz’s daughter in Texas for that matter too. WHAT ARE YOUR ACTIONS? All too often they amount to Zero.
I have spent my lifetime always finding the slimmest, dimmest corners of Light in some very Dark places. It is what has kept us alive through childhood sexual abuse, childhood gaslighting, illnesses, rape, parenting gaslighting, fighting to get help for my special needs children, and oh so much more it is a Saga of a book series!!
Today, December 9th 2022 I physically sit alone as I pray and worry about my good friend, the father of my children and (not so technical) ex husband as he lays in ICU on a Ventilator. We drove him to the hospital 2 days ago for an outpatient procedure with the hope that it would help his breathing; as a walk from the kitchen to his bedroom led him breathless. Now he has a breathing tube down his throat.
On the way there we discussed the 10 day visit that concluded days before with our 16 year old child. Our First born currently resides in Utah at a Residential Therapeutic Center. “It was the worst visit yet” he told me. “Is it horrible that we were counting the days until the plane ride back?”
Condensed background story – beautiful, brilliant, challenging upon birth and yet nothing obvious to pin down, in 2nd grade got my child tested under the advice of a teacher. ODD was the diagnosis. Let me tell you – THAT diagnosis is like handing someone a flimsy, cheap one ply, torn up piece of tissue to wipe your eyes. Fast forward 4 years first suicidal idealization, ER & hospitalization. Still minimal assistance. Fast forward another 2 years to Spring 2022 finally thought we had found the help we were praying for in Elevations Residential Center in Utah.
And then 6 months after admittance the first born child decided they no longer wished to be in communication with me/their mother. (This is obviously a very involved situation which has many multifaceted nuances that far too much to go into detail in this share, perhaps another time.) What the outfall of this has been is that 100% of our first born child’s care has been on their father. From home visits to bi-weekly phone calls, and the once a week family therapy call that I sit in on for the first 30 minutes.
Oh, we also have a very hormonal & ADHD 13 year old son!
Both of our parents have passed on. He has siblings. My two sisters abandoned us when deep dark familial secrets came out and I had the audacity of speaking and acknowledging truth. I call that the Earthquake and Bomb of December 2019. Very fitting since we’ve learned it fell at the beginning of the Saturn/Pluto Conjunction. Nice validation though.
Friends went a scatter too.
And that is when our DID Dissociative Identity Disorder came to light. Again. We went to treatment 25 years ago and the science and thought process then was the best way to heal was integration. Well, I am here to tell you that it does not work MUCH of the time.
I understand this is a hard concept to understand. Believe me we’ve been working on putting pieces together for the past 3 years! So please, take this imaginary journey with me. ………….
If a human being endures significant ongoing trauma in the ages before 9 when the child’s brain fuses, the child brain in its way of … we will do a separate writing/video on this.
And so even though Brian and I are divorced – we are all the other really have. No support systems, no scaffolding. And now Brian is on a Ventilator in the ICU.
AND
I thank THE ALL THAT IS – THAT Which We ALL Have WITHIN. Physically, I am alone. No family. No one is coming to rescue us and just realized probably 85% Hikikomori ourselves! We have spent a LOT of time in our feels about this. NOT FAIR we say. We/I am GOOD we say. Turns out that means nada. Except
we have taken this time to heal and rise from the ashes. We are finally believing that we are worthy of all bestowed upon us. For you see – we are magic and culture & family taught us to feel shameful.
The Universe gave us 3 years to heal our broken soul. Alone and yet in a safe place with access to the most amazing therapist in the Universe (one of our invisible tools in the invisible toolbox we’ve located!). So instead of drowning in the black tar of despair and boohooing that we have zero support, alone and scared – we are actively choosing to lean into our magic and are learning how to support ourselves within. We’ve had 3 years of training!
Thank you #astrology #EFT #MYFR @MelRobbins @JoeRogan @TED @MollyMcCord @Chani @GwenEmpowered @MotherCannibus @MotherMud @MontelWilliams @RalphSmart @Oprah @RuPaul @DemiLovato @BarbaraStreisand….okay okay….SO MANY will add at end!
I sit here thinking back on the conversation Wednesday when I picked him up and drove him to the hospital. He was tired. Worn. Couldn’t do this alone. And so he went into this procedure feeling defeated. He has pre-existing conditions of Sleep Apnea & Obesity and very frustratingly, my ex was not a fan of doing his own therapy and therefore no one to talk with about how difficult things have been. We believe that his soul is doing an existential reckoning during this time while heavily sedated.
Meanwhile, we contacted Brandi, the Education Consultant (best $$$$ spent!! – of course I am lucky because I have white skin & can afford an EC) and she updated the director of the RTC, who spoke with the staff who called me. We set up a Google Meet and 5 minutes later got an email stating
“does not want to talk to you – I can communicate whatever information you need me too”.
Heartbreakingly pieces of the puzzle together seemed to fuse. All the writing, art, downloads coming together.
My therapist just this morning when we were speaking about being in communication with our first born child for the first time in over a year, said in response to my comment about ‘hoping xyz’ “maybe you can let go of the hope, be open and yet not hold on so tightly”. NO was our immediate response. How does one let go of hope? Without Hope the Door Closes. We have LITERALLY SURVIVED on HOPE.
Inside though others are thinking…Perhaps we would not have been walked all over and been stronger had we let go of hope. Yet, today in that same call where we were reminded that Authenticy is Our SuperPower – and I think heard it for the first time that we, Rogue, are in the minority of humans that willingly goes to bat with our demons. THAT is what makes us deserving. Can not comprehend living a half alive life!
This is precisely what we’ve been wrestling with throughout our life, in many previous lifetimes, and specifically these past 3 years… surely someone will see us drowning and offer help.
Monday, Dec 12th 9:43am
Brian is still in the ICU. Pneumonia, fever, ventilator, antibiotics and sedated. His brother Rick came to visit on Saturday. Visit 5 minutes down the street. Drove 2 hours to visit his brother in the ICU (don’t you agree he should get a metal for his concern) and did NOT visit his 13 year old nephew! I even gave him an ‘out’ by saying ‘gonna stop by and take your nephew to lunch or ice cream for a quick visit? I know he’d really appreciate it!’ that way he wouldn’t have to endure the uncomfortability of seeing me. His reply: “Ugg, no, can’t, just really wanted to see my brother. You understand right?”
NO!!! This is why we choose Brian as our mate, Brian would NEVER have done that. He would have made sure to stop by and see his Nieces. It was how we first bonded. We are both givers and our soul trusted that he would be true, even ‘take care of us’ some. And even though divorced he has. He has stayed a close friend and confidant through the tumultuous years. It’s funny, Everyone thought when I asked for the divorce it was because I had another man. That alone goes to show how no one ‘sees ALL of us’. (Well, granted neither did we before ‘The Upset” of Dec 2019.)
Sadly, it circles back to the beginning of this writing.
What is the Societal Community Responsibility to the Individual?
World 2022 desperately needs to grapple with this as we are beginning to descend as a civilization. Just go watch the funniest, most depressing movie, Idiosyncrasies.
2:26pm
Phone call from the ICU Attending Physician
We Are Scared AND Believe in the Magic of Rogue!
We will not crumble. For long. Some crumbling allowed!
And then we smoked a bowl, did an EFT series, got a drink of water & thanked the water spirits, sat down and saw it was 2:22
We Are Ready to Call Out What We See.
In the meantime…please keep us in your hearts and prayers. LightWorkers of ALL KINDS WE GOT THIS if we… “come together, right now” song.
I’d like to think we actually send this out, get tons of responses, and therefore update you all with where things be at!
Thursday, Dec 15th 9:18pm
Well…we’ve not posted. Twitch has died!! Suicide. “See!” the insiders start shouting.
(background for context) At 17 worked at a Psychic Fair, 20s were filled with trips to Colorodo, Peru, & Sante Fe sitting at the feet of Medicine Men and Woman, received a Masters in Public Administration from New York University, continued on with non-profit work until guided to begin working as a Shamanic/Spiritual healer when first married.
Today we shed the last thread of old conditioning.
We know we are smart, wise, and deserving a fuck!
World 2022 there is just TOO much to say and do to get humanity back on right course. We have 3 years of downloaded information given by Earth Mother – or as she likes us to call her – Mother Mud! There was such belief in humanity that
As a self system we clutched to the deeply imbedded belief & hope in humanity that someone would find us. Now accept that we had to find US within and divine timing will be what it shall be. I am but one human with 2 hands, 2 feet, 1 brain and magically gifted with 20ish fully developed personalities. I will continue going at this incredibly slow pace until the time we meet our Rogue Tribe!
Jupiter is in the last degree of Pisces and moving to Aries soon!!
BEE LOVE
Rogue